A very warm welcome to everyone who has recently joined our group.💛

We for You | Daily Reflection | *by Maryam* ❤️

Assalamu alaikum, dear Brothers and Sisters. I hope you are all feeling better and better, InshaAllah.

Today I wanted to share something very interesting from psychology that can also make us reflect on our marriages and relationships. It is called the Pygmalion Effect. 🧠

The name comes from an ancient Greek story about Pygmalion, a sculptor who created a beautiful statue and fell in love with his creation. In the story, the statue, later commonly known as Galatea, eventually comes to life.

Psychology later borrowed the name Pygmalion to describe an interesting idea: the expectations we hold about another person can sometimes influence the reality we eventually experience with them.

This does not mean that our thoughts magically change another person. Rather, our expectations can subtly influence how we behave towards someone, and our behaviour can then influence how that person responds.

🔬 A famous study by psychologists Robert Rosenthal and Lenore Jacobson, published in 1968, explored this idea in schools. Teachers were told that certain children were expected to show significant intellectual growth. What the teachers did not know was that these children had actually been selected at random.

The researchers later reported that some of these children, particularly younger pupils, showed greater intellectual gains.

The teachers didn’t consciously decide to favour them. But believing that a child had greater potential may have subtly influenced everyday interactions, perhaps giving them more encouragement, more challenging opportunities, more patience, more time to answer and more positive feedback.

The effect is not automatic, and later research suggests that the influence of expectations can vary depending on the person and situation. But the underlying idea remains fascinating: what we expect can sometimes influence how we behave towards another person, which may then influence their response.

❤️Now imagine how a similar pattern can play out between husband and wife.

If we repeatedly think:

“My husband never listens.”
“My wife is always negative.”
“He doesn’t care about me.”
“She will never change.”

we can gradually begin interacting with our spouse through that expectation.

We may notice more of what confirms our belief and overlook moments that contradict it. Our tone, patience and behaviour can change and our spouse then reacts to the way we are interacting with them.

Eventually, we may say:

“See? I knew it.”

*Psychologically, this can become a kind of self-fulfilling cycle:*❣️

Expectation → influences how I behave → affects how my spouse responds → their response appears to confirm my original expectation.

Of course, this does not mean that every negative behaviour from a spouse is caused by our expectations. Each person remains responsible for their own behaviour.

🌱 The opposite can happen too. When we recognise genuine effort, express appreciation, encourage improvement and show that we believe our spouse is capable of growth, we help to create an environment where positive behaviour is more likely to continue.

There is also an important difference between saying:

“What you did in this situation was selfish.”

and

“You are a selfish person.”

One addresses a behaviour that can change.
The other places a label on the person.

☪️ From an Islamic perspective, there is also something beautiful to reflect on alongside this psychological idea. We are encouraged to avoid unnecessary suspicion and negative assumptions. Allah says:

“Avoid much suspicion. Indeed, some suspicion is sin.”
(Qur’an 49:12)

This verse is not describing the Pygmalion Effect, but it gives us a valuable principle to reflect on when considering the assumptions we carry about others.

❗️ Of course, positive expectations do not mean ignoring reality, excusing harmful behaviour or having no boundaries. Thinking well of someone should never require us to deny genuine problems.

Perhaps we can ask ourselves:

❓ Have I given my spouse a permanent label based on past behaviour?

❓*Do I notice their efforts and improvements, or mostly the things that confirm what I already believe about them?*

❓*What expectations am I communicating through my words, tone and behaviour?*

And perhaps the most challenging question:

❓*Do I respond to my spouse based on who they are today and this moment or based on the person I have already decided they are?*

I encourage you to read and discuss this topic with your spouse, and to reflect on it together throughout the week.

Wishing everyone a beautiful and blessed Friday. 🤲🏻❤️