Salam Alaikum sisters. 🌸 Hope you all feeling well today.

As I mentioned before, I received 2 more questions about teenagers and boundaries.
So first about teenagers.
As this question was sent privately and I got permission only to share about main problem without details so I’ll generalise the answer.

Today about TEENAGERS AND THEIR ADDICTION TO SCREENS ( phones, tablets, computers).

Those who are in classes with me, we will be talking more deeper about screen time, why screens are so important for teenagers, what are the dangers, when does it become a problem and what are the solutions.
And I believe I’ll do separate event about kids and teenagers usage of screen time in the nearest future Inshallah.

But now about TEENAGERS.

Puberty time starts between the ages of 8 and 13 in girls and 9 and 14 in boys ( according to statistics).
Puberty doesn’t mean only physical changes.
Many moms saying, example: my daughter is 9 years old, she was normal, suddenly became rude, want to close in her room, continuously on phone/ ipad, not listening and this behaviour became persistent…Similar complaints and worries having those who raising boys, but usually they having 10-12 years old boys.

Most of the parents are scared and confused and asking how they need to behave to get back their children to normal.

I would like to remind one thing, children’s behaviour not changing suddenly itself and without a reason.
If no significant changes in family, school life, or health ( example: parents divorce, someone died, child changed school) and parents communicate with a child as usual - welcome to TEENAGERS AGE.

Teenagers age starting more earlier than parents think. It stats before physiological changes become visible. Neuroscientists saying that kids and teenagers waking up with “ a new 🧠 brain” each morning and you can expect anything from them.
To be a child is very difficult, especially when hormones starting to change, body changing, voice for boys changing, periods for girls, pimples ( acne) on the skin… Embarrassment, fear, acceptance, rejection, belonging, angriness, anxiety, love, self understanding …- so much confusion and mixed emotions at that time… And each child going through individual emotions and feelings and developing differently.
Brain starting huge transformation - cropping old neurones connections and creating new ones, “hormones” playing their own role, sleep hormone melatonin levels stay high later at night and drop later in the morning, which may explain why teens may stay up late and struggle with waking up early.
I always say, if your child ( around 10-12 years old) suddenly likes to eat what he or she hated before, welcome parents to the teenagers age 😄

So WHAT ABOUT SCREEN TIME/ GADGETS?

I probably won’t be wrong by saying that ALL parents having problems with children and screen time.

Technologies are part of our life nowadays so banning it completely would be pointless.

If you threatening teenager: “I’ll take your phone if you are not going to clean your room now” or switching internet just to punish the child, or “no games for you if you won’t do homework “ it won’t teach kids anything. And probably you saw that these threats/ steps don’t work at all or working for short time only.
So definitely you need to change your “strategies”.
And here we should remember natural teenagers development:

Natural development:

*8-12 years want to be accepted by friends.
*13-16 years old spend more time with peers/ friends than with family. They avoiding regular family activities.
*During adolescence, youth begin to separate from their parents and find their own identity and think independently.

There are many reasons that cause stress in parenthood, many circumstances, but one of the biggest factors is having expectations that do not correspond to child’s development.
It is very easy to see a growing person and just hope that he will understand (especially when he is "so smart for his years"), will control himself, adjust himself, sympathise, think, stop, make appropriate decisions, cooperate, logically evaluate everything, because it seems that he can.

When we have expectations for another person that he cannot fulfill and it seems that he simply DOESN'T want to do it - anger, irritation, blame, labels (spoiled, lazy, stupid, stubborn like goat, selfish) coming from our mouth. Then parents trying to control the child with punishments and rewards, and they become even more angry when they see it’s impossible to control, then they feeling hopelessness, confusion, stress, feeling bad mom or dad.

Understanding the child's development, possibilities, and needs can bring more peace, ease and more harmonious solution options always.

Remember, children always behaving in the best they CAN at that time with the skills they have💛.
And yes, teenagers might not know from what to start to clean their room, or how to cook food. And they need your participation.
By knowing that it’s natural for teenagers to connect with friends more and nowadays they playing group games online we need to teach children how to control technologies that it won’t control them and become a role models. Means we ourselves need to discipline in first place.
If you eating burgers, don’t expect your child will choose healthy foods. Or if you not reading books or Quran, don’t expect your child will do that with joy. If you continuously on phone, child will be choosing gadgets…

Children immerse to technologies to satisfy their needs such as safety, connection, recognition, competence, autonomy.
Their behaviour depends on:
what relation and connection having with parents,
feeling of safety at school and home,
how well studies going,
having real friends or not,
accepted by friends or not,
ect.

One of the biggest reasons why children immerse to gadgets is how environment corresponds to their needs.

Most of teenagers describe family members like: “nagging and annoying mother” , “father doesn’t care”, “sister is annoying”….

Teenagers want to be independent, want their own space and most of them closing in their own rooms and doing their “ own nests”. So for parents it’s becoming a challenge to communicate with their own children.
BUT WITHOUT COMMUNICATION AND COOPERATION WITH A CHILD YOU WON’T CREATE A STRONG RELATION.

So whatever happens ALWAYS CHOOSE RELATION!
REMEMBER- parents should always be the first to communicate and reestablish relation with a child.
Some parents would say: "surrendering to the child? Never!” but “choosing a connection and relation instead of being “always right” doing miracles.
In relation both sides should be heard and seen❤️