Salam Alaikum sisters🌸How are you feeling today?
If you understood about how to set boundaries and rules I’m continuing about CONSEQUENCES AND PUNISHMENTS.
First ask yourself why I want/ need to punish a child?
I already heard a lot of answers like: “How child will understand then?”, “Rules are not rules without punishments”, “I slapped once very hard now he is not going near my cupboard at all, means he needed punishment”…
If you ask more, you’ll come to know that parents having FEAR: “Then my child will grow up bad person”, “ I was slapped a lot in my childhood and became a good person ”… ect.
ALL CHILDREN ARE GOOD FROM THE BIRTH AND WE SHOULD HELP THEM TO GROW UP.
If we want to pass information we shouldn’t put ourselves in first place and child in the last place. We should see child’s natural development and his understanding about things, what skills child having and lacking. So I’m inviting you to see the world and yourself through child’s eyes. As you saw from little experiment, children as well having opinion and not necessary understanding like you.
When we concentrating to change child’s behaviour we are not anymore seeing his perception. Child’s personality is more bigger than his behaviour or words.
We rushing to make corrections, we are in a hurry to teach, to punish, to drag a child into our world of perception. And we formatting a habit to create comfortable environment for ourselves sacrificing child’s feelings, emotions, their needs and their perceptions.
It’s very well known, that if you are having relation with a person who less experienced, less knowing in life, you should put yourself in his shoes to understand him/ her and you should use compassion.
Rules- do it/don’t do it, we should highlight and explain to the child through cause and consequences.
Example: “if you won’t do homework, you will loose chance to practice and integrate theory what your teacher explained. Practicing is like training to get more deeper understanding and skills… “ You can add examples what child understands: “it’s like going to gym and training muscles”, or “it’s like gaming, you practicing and practicing to win.“ “ You’ll become more confident in what you know”.
Ask how your child feeling about homework, what subject he doesn’t like, tell your childhood stories how you was struggling and overcame it. Ask child open questions, it helps him to think. Offer help: how can I help you? Do you have ideas/solutions? Discuss.
That’s why it’s important to explain to child why you setting this rule, why it’s important, how it helps/ will be good for the child and whole family and that you would like child follow it and that you’ll help him to follow, he can ask you for help anytime. It’s all about communication and cooperation. You ARE ONE TEAM !
And if you need to remind the rule to the child it won’t be a problem for you both. But still he and everyone needs to follow. And parents need to keep rules and boundaries in place.
As I mentioned in the previous messages, to integrate rules takes time ( usually minimum a month). During that time can happen many things.
But REMEMBER children always want to please you and listen to you but also they want to explore and discover, searching for identity (teenagers), testing your boundaries and rules and impulses not always can control. AND IT’S NATURAL AND NORMAL.
REMEMBER, children not doing it specially to break a rule. They just not having that habit yet, skills, or simply your rule is above their natural development and it’s difficult to follow.
When you are in relation with a child, it’s much more easier to adjust and integrate all rules.
REMEMBER, setting rules make children feel safe as they know what's expected from them. It tells children that adults are in charge and looking after them. Limits and consequences teach children to make good choices. Children can then create their own boundaries to say 'no' to situations that may hurt them.
So if you still want to punish a child and can’t imagine how without punishments to raise a child the best option is to concentrate on consequences related with a rule.
Then you should use natural and logical consequences. I was talking about natural and logical consequences in classes and will be repeating this information, but if you joined recently and want to know now please read about it here https://depts.washington.edu/allcwe2/fosterparents/training/natlog/nat01.htm
And if you have questions, please ask here in the group or send me a message. Don’t leave unanswered questions.
We all are learning together 🤗
P.S. ALWAYS PUT SECURITY IN FIRST PLACE WHEN YOU ARE SETTING RULES OR BOUNDARIES! And explain to child why you are saying NO, accept child’s feelings.
All your “NO” you should rethink twice. And give time for yourself. Aren’t you saying “NO” to the child, just because it’s more convenient for you or you just simply afraid?
Wishing everyone to create strong relation with children and wisdom. May Allah SWT help us all to become better and better parents and bless our children. Ameen❤️🤲🏻