Salam Alaikum sisters🌸 hope you all feeling well. Welcome new mothers to the group🤗
I’ll be continuing about PUNISHMENTS now ( a bit I’ll repeat) and will explain what we are doing here for the new women who joined the group recently.

About PUNISHMENTS FIRST:

BEHAVIOURAL CONTROL (THROUGH REWARDS AND PUNISHMENTS), DOES NOT SOLVE THE PROBLEM, ONLY DEEPENS IT FURTHER, WHICH MAY LEAD A CHILD (ADOLESCENT) TO SERIOUS VIOLENCE TO HIMSELF OR OTHER PEOPLE.

It might be strange sounding statement👆🏻for new women in a group. But soon you’ll get all information why rewards and punishments are the same coin sides.

Short reminder❗️

When you punishing a child :

1. 💔THE CHILD WILL NOT SUDDENLY GET MISSING SKILLS. (Children learning through learning process when brains are relaxed. Obviously due to punishment brains are tensed and closed).

2. 💔THE CHILD'S DEVELOPMENT WILL NOT ACCELERATE FOR A FEW YEARS AHEAD.

3. 💔THE CHILD'S NEEDS WILL NOT BE SATISFIED FROM THIS.

🛑The roots of the behavior will remain❗️

REJECTION IS A BIGGEST TRAUMA.

All punishments are rejecting the child and showing that he is not a suitable/good person for the family. AND OF CAUSE THAT DISRUPTING CONNECTION WITH A CHILD.

That these teachings won’t be just simple words , I’ll give you examples from parents who already asked. But you can ask your questions and I’ll answer asap.

Questions:

“IF YOU CAN’T PUNISH KIDS, HOW CHILDREN WILL UNDERSTAND THAT THEIR BEHAVIOUR IS BAD?”

“WHAT CONSEQUENCES I CAN APPLY FOR A CHILD WHEN THERE WAS AN AGREEMENT AND HE DOESN'T KEEP IT?”

First, these teachings what we are learning here AREN’T about PASSIVE PARENTING. We are learning how to draw boundaries and keep them and the most important have strong relation with a child. And ofc always we need to turn to ourselves. Because our children perfectly raising our emotions and usually in most unpleasant ways.
When you are having strong emotions first turn to yourself and ask: What I’m feeling and why, how do I know it? Where these thoughts coming from?

Positive parenting can’t be without conscious thinking, being here and now, knowing natural children development, seeing another human being in front of us, solving our inner child problems and helping our children to regulate their emotions.

REMEMBER❗️Children can regulate emotions only with your help.

Most of the parents want clear instructions on how to behave and raise kids.
Even I’m giving you some practical tips, it’s impossible to raise all kids same.
But what we all can do - raise our kids having relation with them.
So my main aim is to show you the way how to create strong relation for all your and child’s life.

Each of us need to create relation with kids, that children naturally will be willing to help, to follow rules and listen to our teachings. Then parenting won’t be a job and we won’t have questions: What consequences to apply when the child behaves like that?
Because in this way, we can no longer see a child , we're just trying to find ways to control him/her. And WE becoming tired and overwhelmed.

Now Im inviting you to think:

Would YOU ASK same questions ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR SPOUSE? Why not?

Example:

“My husband again didn’t take rubish outside. WHAT CONSEQUENCES I CAN APPLY? I have already hided Xbox, still the same behavior remains”. 🤷🏼‍♀️

" My wife came back from work and again she is not satisfied with everything, she shouted at me and slammed doors. What consequences should be applied? Lock her in the room alone until she calms down?"🤷‍♂️

It's not a relation, IT’S A CONTROL... And it doesn't solve problems, it doesn't give missing skills and it doesn't even give the ability to solve the problem together with another person! Because everything is done through control, without seeing the other person.

Without communicating or finding problems solutions together, or getting emotions regulating and other skills we growing up in the families, and we applying the same methods to our relations as an adult.

We used to do it:

💔Don't like how other person is behaving?

Stop talking to him.

💔Partner disappointed?

Shout and push away.

💔Would you like a person behaves differently?

Manipulate through pleasing /rewarding or blaming/ shaming.

Living in a controlling relation, whether as a parent-child relation, as a spouse or in any other relation, is exhausting.

It's natural that parenting is so tiring when your attention isn't towards relation, help and seeing another human being and yourself, but towards control, consequences, requirements, points calculations, manipulations.

Wishing you a peaceful Friday and see you 10:30 am (UK) on Zoom this Sunday Inshallah. We will be continuing about punishments and how to raise children having strong relation with them.

Salam Alaikum 🌸