The Art of "I'm Still Standing..."
There will come a night when you are standing alone, and everything around you has finally gone quiet.
Perhaps you have finished your work and are walking home beneath the fading sky; perhaps you have put your parents to sleep and gently closed their door; perhaps your spouse and children have finally rested, and the house that was full of voices has fallen still; perhaps you have simply finished carrying everyone who needed you, and now, for the first time all day, nobody is calling your name.
You stand there tired, perhaps hurting in places nobody knows, and yet somewhere beneath it all there remains that longing: I want Qur'an. I want knowledge. I want Arabic. I want to understand. I want to become someone whom Allah is pleased with. And perhaps you wonder how much longer you can hold on. But listen, my brother, my sister: perhaps you were never asked to know how long. Perhaps you were only asked to remain.
You will have nights when you close books and realize how little you know. You will forget the ayah you thought you had mastered, stumble over the Arabic you thought would finally settle upon your tongue, look at the oceans of knowledge left before you and feel painfully small. In these remember the greats such as Ibn Abbas رضي الله عنهما, young and hungry for knowledge, staying close to the Companions until Allah raised him into one of the great scholars of the Ummah. Remind yourself of Abu Hurayrah رضي الله عنه, who endured hunger to remain beside the Messenger of Allah ﷺ and preserve his words for generations he would never see.
They did not know what their sacrifices would become. They simply held on. And perhaps your one page tonight, your one repeated ayah, your one lesson learned after exhaustion, is something whose glory you will not understand until you stand before Allah.
Allah says,
وَٱلَّذِينَ جَـٰهَدُوا۟ فِينَا لَنَهْدِيَنَّهُمْ سُبُلَنَا ۚ وَإِنَّ ٱللَّهَ لَمَعَ ٱلْمُحْسِنِينَ ٦٩
As for those who struggle in Our cause, We will surely guide them along Our Way. And Allah is certainly with the good-doers. (Qur'an 29:69).
And the Prophet ﷺ taught that the deeds most beloved to Allah are those that are consistent, even if they are small. So do not despise the small deed. Do not despise the quiet night. Do not despise the ten minutes nobody saw, for the mountains weren't built fast; they had to grow. And perhaps Allah is growing something in you now that could never have been built in ease.
Perhaps you have just put your parents to sleep. You close their door and remember the days when they carried you, when your mother stayed awake because you were sick, when your father worked while you were too young to understand what sacrifice meant.
Now their footsteps are slower, and you are the one quietly making sure they are comfortable. Perhaps you feel that another hour of study has disappeared. But perhaps Allah gave you another hour of worship. Perhaps the book you did not open was replaced by the lesson of birr. Perhaps your mother taught you mercy, your father taught you gratitude, your spouse teaches you patience, and your children teach you responsibility. Your life is not standing between you and knowledge. Your life is becoming the classroom in which Allah teaches you how to carry it.
And then, perhaps, your spouse and children finally sleep. You walk past your child's room and see that little face beneath the blanket, and you stand there longer than you intended. One day that child will remember you. Perhaps not how many books you finished, but whether your knowledge made you gentle, whether your worship made you merciful, whether your pursuit of Allah made you present. Then you return to your desk. The house is silent. Your body is tired. You open the Qur'an again. And you begin.
Because even if it seems like the night would swallow you whole, do not surrender the night to despair.
Let the candle of hope in Allah burn in your soul. Let it burn when you cannot see the road. Let it burn when you have forgotten what you memorized. Let it burn when your dreams seem impossibly far away. Let it burn when nobody understands why you keep trying.
The Prophet ﷺ said that Allah says, “I am as My servant thinks of Me.” (Sahih al-Bukhari 7405)
So think well of your Lord. Hope in Him when your own strength gives way.
And every scar you carry, every failure, every forgotten lesson, every night you struggled, every season you felt behind, every time you began again, every scar is a story that will be told on a Day when all stories will unfold. Nothing was unseen. Nothing was wasted with Allah.
For indeed, Allah says,
إِنَّ ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ وَعَمِلُوا۟ ٱلصَّـٰلِحَـٰتِ إِنَّا لَا نُضِيعُ أَجْرَ مَنْ أَحْسَنَ عَمَلًا
As for those who believe and do good, We certainly never deny the reward of those who are best in deeds (Qur'an 18:30).
You may forget the night. You may forget the page. You may forget the tears.
But Allah does not forget.
Your waiting has a rhythm to master. Your aching is sacred. So become what you can bear. Do not rush the healing. Do not outrun the pain, for the flower does not bloom by cursing at the rain. Let the rain come. Let Allah work upon you through the seasons you would never have chosen for yourself. Perhaps the very hardship you are asking Him to remove is teaching your heart how to stand before Him.
Time will feel painfully slow when you count every day. You will wonder, When will I finally become what I dream of becoming? When will the Qur'an become firm? When will Arabic open? When will knowledge finally settle in my heart? But keep going, for your glory will not break; it will find another way. If you lose three hours, find thirty minutes. If you cannot memorize a page, memorize an ayah. If you cannot read a chapter, read a paragraph. If you fall, return. If you forget, revise. If the road closes in one direction, find another way to Allah.
And when your heart wants to escape, learn how to stay. Stay with your Lord. Stay with Qur'an. Stay with knowledge. Stay with your parents. Stay with your wife. Stay with your children. Stay with the responsibilities Allah has entrusted to you. Stay even when the excitement disappears. Stay even when nobody praises you. Stay even when you cannot see what you are becoming. For there is strength in standing still, and there is a fire you cannot fake.
Perhaps you think you are not rising.
Perhaps you are only becoming roots, going deeper in the dark where nobody looks.
The world sees the tree; Allah sees the roots. The world may one day see the scholar; Allah sees the nights. The world may hear the eloquence; Allah knows the silence that preceded it. The world may see the strength; Allah knows every moment you nearly broke and chose Him anyway.
So let your roots go deeper.
Let your hope go deeper.
Let your certainty in Allah go deeper.
And when the storm comes crashing, when life becomes heavier, when responsibilities multiply, when your plans collapse, when your heart trembles, you will not move. Not because the storm is small, but because your Lord is greater. Not because you are fearless, but because you have learned where to take your fear.
You will be standing still.
Holding on.
Hoping in your Lord.
And perhaps, when you finally look back, you will realize that all those nights you thought were merely nights of surviving were actually years of being shaped. The work, the parents, the spouse, the children, the books, the Qur'an, the loneliness, the waiting, the aching, Allah was weaving them together.
You thought you were merely trying to become a student of knowledge.
But Allah was teaching you how to carry knowledge.
You thought you were waiting for your glory.
Perhaps He was building your roots.
You thought you were merely holding on.
Perhaps holding on was the glory.
And when the storm comes crashing, you will still be there.
Still learning.
Still serving.
Still hoping.
Still holding on.
Still standing.
Team AMAU
www.amauacademy.com