Today I would like to continue ABOUT EMOTIONS Regulation techniques

Salam Alaikum sisters❤️ I hope you all are doing well.

Today I would like to continue ABOUT EMOTIONS Regulation techniques

Children's emotion regulation begins with our (parents') emotions regulation. How will we accept their feelings + what self-regulation skills we are having when we ourselves have strong emotions? And it’s not only about child's behavior, but also in all life situations: being late for work; walking the dog when the dog does not follow the pace you want; leaving the keys at home and unable to enter; in conflicts with other people and in all other situations!
Children learn not only from what we tell them, not even from what we show them to do.

Children learn from who we are. ❤️

So we need to become conscious and know OTHER METHODS TO REGULATE OURSELF FIRST.

Our reactions depends on situations and how they trigger our inner child.
When situation is conflictic and you not agreeing with husband’s opinion and when child spilled all flour on the floor, or you seeing your 2 kids fighting, or child took scissors and can injury himself your reactions will be different and it depends on situation itself and what skills and knowledge you are having, and what emotions and feelings will arise that moment.
Obviously that all dangerous situations would require emergency and you’ll react quick and naturally. But even after that shock/ severe situation we need to know what to do with bunches of feelings ( I’ll be talking separately Inshallah).

Today only about these situations what triggering and when we are seeing a pattern that we always reacting same. Parents usually saying I always shouting/ scolding/ screaming/ slapping my kids. Then regretting, don’t know what to do. How to stop ? 🛑 I don’t want to be bad mother/ father.

So, yesterday I gave you one method. Today about other methods.

Child spilled milk on the floor, you got angry. You saw situation, immediately reacted expressed anger on him.
Anger arising spontaneously.
So immediately after evaluating situation do PAUSE. Name emotions you are having, even you scream spontaneously from frustration and anger it’s ok. The most important not to put direct blames towards a child. Instead of blaming a child tell about situation and your emotions : example “ I can’t anymore!!!! Again all floor is in mess!!!! I’m angry and tired!” Some people that moment having severe body reaction, and huge energy in their hands so instead of immediately to sit or lie down they prefer to shake hands or even start jumping. Tell to the child I’m shaking my hands and breathing slowly as it’s helping me to feel my emotions. If no other adult beside who can take care of the small child, better not to leave the child. But if another person is beside or child is big enough and situation is not dangerous it’s better to go out to the other room, or outside to breath or then lie down or just sit and allow to feel all emotions. Again you can name and tell loudly: “I’m going to breath and feel my emotions, and show how you breathing. I need to lie down, I need to sit, I’ll close my eyes and feel”.

REMEMBER! Kids copying you. So what skills you want to pass on them you can show.

You can do breathing technique that moment and at the same time see your child. Also you can put one palm on your chest and one palm on your tummy. It’s as well helping to go throughout emotional distress. Breathing slowly stabilising body: Inhale slowly by counting till 4-5 in your mind, stop breathing for 2 seconds, exhale slowly by counting till 4-5 in your mind.
Keep repeating 8- 10 times. Do it without any pressure. Even sigh out all anger and other emotions. Make a long, deep audible breath expressing sadness, tiredness, or similar.

All other methods like sitting and slowly drinking water, making ablution helping to go through emotions like anger and irritation.

Only by doing pause you will respond differently. Just do PAUSE, even you’ll forget all these teachings remember one word PAUSE before you say something.
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I’ll give you SITUATION AS AN EXAMPLE ( btw it was real situation with some details changed):

Mother was planning to make biryani for tomorrow until her son 2.8 years old threw the whole bag of dry rice on the floor while she was on the other side of the kitchen.

A few details to consider:

*The child is 2.8 years old and now throwing everything is a natural and important part of his development.

*A child of this age cannot yet control his impulses (it is very difficult to do this if he already has an intention or an idea to do something).

* The child had not slept in the afternoon nap and it was already evening, so he was overtired, unregulated, so impulse control was almost impossible.

What would be mother’s impulsive reaction? Scream on the child obviously. Because she got upset and angry herself. Maybe even husband also would come from the other room and say what kind of mother she is that not looking what child is doing.

That such reactions and thoughts coming is natural, because we ourselves grew up like that, it’s like a natural way of “solving problems” no matter how ineffective it is.

But now we know that AN ADULT WHO HAS NOT ADJUSTED HIMSELF WILL NEVER ADJUST A CHILD and blame’s won’t help anyone.

So what mother could do:

She could start self-regulation - breathing and naming her emotions. It would help her to come back to herself. Breathing was necessary while hugging the child and she was cleaning the kitchen after ( child was crying because he was shocked and it was a natural consequence of his action and because of mother’s scream).

Lets think of other scenarios: both parents yelling, blaming, maybe insulting, labelling the child as bad, and using other bad words and also punishing: slapping, dragging to the other room ect.

And now think how can that little person handle all this? When you yourself having a hard time, and going through bunch of emotions you can't even regulate yourself and then on top you blamed, punished and on you adults putting all responsibility not only regulate yourself ( “stop crying!!!”) but also blaming for their emotions and puting responsibility of what just happened ( “because of you I need to clean!!!”)

Responsibility is the respond to your abilities. And the child does not have such capabilities. But an adult has.

With all this in mind, I will make few points:

❤️Mother’s needs and the needs of the child are equally important! ❤️

The child's need is to throw things. Mother’s need is that food, heavy and valuable things should not be thrown.

What option would be to meet both sides needs?

1) First of all, is to prepare the space as much as possible so that the things that mother really don't want him to throw are out of the child's reach.
2) If there are things like that around, mother or father have to be there in presence of the child to help him stop if he gets the urge to throw.
3) Satisfy his throwing needs with light or soft objects at home or outside, maybe buy a basketball, create more safe space for throwing balls at home and prepare that space for him.

Therefore, drawing boundaries, finding solutions and regulating your own and helping for the child to regulate his emotions always remain the adult's responsibility. As the child grows, opportunities, problem solutions, feelings and needs of both sides can be met and solved together with the child. And such problem solving, where everyone's position is expressed at the beginning and everyone's needs and feelings are taken into account, by discussing about problems and how to solve it is a wonderful skill for building future relationships.

Also you can teach children about emotions when there is calm, peaceful environment, just when you are having discussion, talking about something when you can involve topic about emotions and what to do when they feeling anxious, angry, afraid. Bigger children can even give you amazing solutions/advises if you ask them to think.
Teach children identify emotions, identify what triggering and raising emotions and methods what can they do when strong emotions arise.