Salam Alaikum sisters. Hope you all are doing well.❤️
Welcome new sisters to the group 🌸
Today about CONTROL AND RELATION more deeper. And it’s so much related with with our previous theme about boundaries/ rules and consequences.
When parents expecting a child or planing to have a child they rare thinking what parenting methods they would like to use, what skills they want to pass to their child, not discussing what is important in parenting, how they been raised or what Islam teaching about parenting ect.
Everything usually starts with preparation for childbirth, breastfeeding, and buying baby stuff - what seems is the most important at that time.
And everyone loves baby in advance. But then baby born the world turns upside down and some who even had planned to raise their children using positive parenting methods loosing temper and series of emotions spilling on their child. And this is just the beginning of a child's life. The further you raise your child, the more you have to choose: connection or control.
In every situation, our beliefs, our own childhood experiences, memories (which manifest through the body, emotional reactions and we don't even necessarily consciously remember them), knowledge we are having, other people's insights, comments and advices influencing our parenting.
For example: A small child practices eating by himself.
When we choose a RELATION , we will see and accept the child as a human being who feels his body, we will trust and respect his autonomy and will not interfere in this process. How it looks like? We will cook for ourselves and serve the same food (with or without child-appropriate seasonings) to the child. We will not control how much the child eats, we will not comment on his plate or on him, on how much he eats. We will communicate normally and be together without a control.
If we choose CONTROL, we may feel tension or even anger if child does not eat. We will try to influence the child, convince him, do “flying spoon airplanes” to his mouth, bribe him with desserts, eat "for other people", cook only same dishes to the child "because only he eats this", we will scream, tell him to eat everything or say that he must at least taste it, otherwise he will not be able to get off the table and apply many other consequences and threats ( “ your granny will be angry if you won’t eat, “ if you won’t eat I’ll take you to doctor and doctors will inject you with needle”, “I’ll give you to monster/ police”, “Wind will blow you out”).
From this example alone, you can feel the difference between connection and control, and NOW stop for a sec. and just feel each person in these 2 situations. How does the parent and the child feel in the first option? And how about the second one, parent (in constant tension, control) and the child (under stress, loss of autonomy, tension)?
And think about if you go as a guest to your friends house, would you be able to enjoy food and eat it if your friends would behave with you in the way the parent behaved with the child in this example?
And this is just the beginning of life!
Another example of how we accept emotions?
When we are in control, we want to control other person's emotions in a way what is...comfortable for us. When a 2 years old child fell over and cries, we might insert a dummy and say "shhh", “everything is alright” and make him stop crying. When we are in a relation, we want to see, understand and empathize with the other person. If a 2 years old child crying, we are together, even if we can't help with the child's pain, we can BE with the child's pain. And the fact that someone is with you when you are in pain, when you are in trouble, when they see you - this can help the pain really relax, instead of suppressing inside.
And the same example applies to children/people of any age! We so often want to CONTROL, advise, change, encourage, correct... Instead of just being there, listening, really accepting and giving the person space, giving our real presence together without judgment, without trying to control (even for the good) . That is what I want to stretch the most. The control is usually understood of as a negative thing and only as punishments and requirements, forgetting that it can also be interference, questions, advices, praises, bribes, various ways to shape a person and his feelings in the way WE think will be better for him . And this is usually the model of parenting, no matter how parenting begins (with close contact, caring and breastfeeding) especially after the birth of a second child, it switches to behavior control, as fear that if I do not control, the child will not grow properly.
When a child reaches teenagers age the main question remains: HOW TO FORCE him to behave? When real question should be: WHAT'S GOING ON? WHY IS IT DIFFICULT FOR MY CHILD? And first of all, connection, empathy, understanding should be strengthened, and only after that, problem solving, because...
RELATION IS THE ONLY WAY WHAT REALLY MAKES AN INFLUENCE IN YOUR CHILD'S LIFE.
Yes, you can make your child to do a lot and shape how you want. You can make him to be the best swimmer, student, make him study law, be the best lawyer, doctor, marry the right person what suits for you, make him play sports, make him spend time with you, make him eat...
But you can never make someone happy.
And here the most important question is: are YOU happy? Do your relationships, lifestyle, and activities bring you joy? Do you feel having a strong inner foundation, stability, pleasure, confidence and fulfillment? Do you feel your body? Can you take a decisions by yourself without being indecisive and dependent on others opinions? And when you want your child to follow your pattern of life, what exactly the results you expect?
After all, when a person gives up his authenticity (himself, his parts, perspective, values, needs, feelings) in order to please someone else (usually parents, then other people) - he cannot be happy.
It is often much more easier to correct and control another person than truly see and hear another person.
Modeling love for yourself and others, showing respect rather than demanding it, giving quality time, listening and hearing rather than just wanting others to obey, taking responsibility for your own words, thoughts, emotions and regulating them without putting them on others shoulders (especially your children!) helps to become more better person-parent-spouse.
So lets start consciously to update ourselves and choose RELATION within ourselves and our kids. ❤️